kerrybushpolls.com

It might not find you a house, but might help you deal with the stress of house hunting. For buyers, sellers and realtors alike!

You'll need:

- a bottle or two of your preferred liquor
- cup for each person
- real estate publication

- Any of the following = 1 sip each

adorable, airy, alluring, ample, attractive, beautiful, becoming, best, bewitching, big, blissful, bright, capacious, captivating, charming, cheerful, consummate, cozy, dazzling, delightful, desirable, distinctive, enchanting, endearing, engaging, enticing, enveloped (by trees, excellent, exquisite, extraordinary, fabulous, fantastic, fetching, fine, first-rate, foremost, gardens, glorious, gracious, grand, great, handsome, haven, ideal, immaculate, impeccable, impeccable, inspiring, irresistible, lovely, magnificent, nature), original, out-of-the-ordinary, out-of-the-way, palatial, peaceful, peerless, perfect, picturesque, placid, pleasant, preeminent, prime, private, quaint, quiet, rare, retreat, roomy, serene, serene, solitary, spacious, splendid, sublime, superb, superior, surprising, sweet, timeless, tranquil, ultimate, unique, unperturbed, utopia, vintage, whimsical, winning, wonderful, world-class

- any of the above attached to "price" = 2 additional sips

- 3 or more consecutive adjectives (an exquisitely charming haven) = gulp

- Needs TLC = 2 sips

- handyman's special = 1 sip

- fixer-upper = 1 sip

- needs a little work = 2 sips

- "perfect for first-time home buyers" = 2 sips

- starter home = 1 sip

- must see = 1 sip

- must see to believe = 3 sips

- hurry = 1 sip

- hurry, this won't last = 3 sips

- don't miss this = 1 sip

- priced to sell = 2 sips

- motivated seller = 1 sip

- won't last = 3 sips

- sale of the second/minute/day/week/month/year/decade/century/all time = 4 sips

- "potential" = 3 sips

- Any of the following = 4 sips each (since you can afford it)

affluent, chic, commanding, elite, exclusive, executive, lavish, luxury, opulent, refined, select, sophisticated, successful, sumptuous, up-scale, upper class, prestigious

- The word "only" = 4 sips

- The word "family" = 3 sips

THE HOUSE:

You'll need:

- several bottles of your preferred liquor
- large cup for each person
- designated driver

- If "charming, comfortable, cozy, homey, intimate, snug" or any of their synonyms or derivatives mean that you would have a hard time housing a toy poodle in the building = 1 gulp

- If "luxury" means that the property is assessed the highest tax in the county = 2 gulps

- If "needs TLC, handyman's special, fixer-upper, needs a little work" means that the walls are in danger of imminent buckling, the roof is ready to slide off into the neighbors' yard, the toilets flush into the basement, or the foundation is slowly sidling away from the building = 3 gulps

- If "motivated seller" means that someone has been murdered in the living room, the property is reputed to be haunted, or the house has been a notorious grow-op = 4 gulps

- If the word "view" means that you have to stand on the chimney to see whatever it is that they claim is visible to the naked eye = 2 gulps

- If "family-friendly" means that the neighborhood is full of screaming kids, barking dogs and graffiti on every exposed wall = 3 gulps

- If "unique neighborhood" means that you have to step over a body (living or dead) to access the house = 4 gulps

- If "original" means that the plumbing has not been altered from its turn-of-the-century installation = 2 gulps

- If "bright" means that the house (inside or outside) has been painted glaring colors that claw their way through your retinas and hit the back of your skull = 1 gulp

- If "foreclosure sale" means that the house has been stripped of anything remotely valuable = 3 gulps

- If there's something not listed here that makes nerves start jumping in your forehead = divide up the rest of the alcohol (if there is any) and chug 'er down.

Happy Home Hunting!