What is wrong with me?

January 7th, 2009

On December 27th, 2006, I found out that my grandfather died. He was the first person in my family (who I actually knew,) to lose a life. Of course I was devastated. All I wanted to do for weeks, even after I had accepted it and was okay with it, was just lay down and DIE. I didn't want to do anything, but forced myself to do everything I normally did.

Fast forward to January 26, 2008. One of my friends died in a horrible car crash. He was seventeen. He wasn't a particularly close friend, but he was a really cool guy, and I really looked up to him. Despite always talking down to people and being generally mean, everyone in my school loved him, even those who didn't know him.

I tried to write a song for my grandfather a couple weeks after his death. Nothing came out. THE DAY AFTER my friend died, I was able to write some song lyrics, that even now I have to say are the best lyrics I've ever written. (Now that song is tied with another song I wrote later in the year.)

I'm not upset that I could write a song for my friend but not my grandfather. There was more to my friend's death. My grandfather was hospitalized with pneumonia the day after Christmas, and died the day after that. And it was several years coming, with his cancer. (Im not saying it mattered less, or was less devastating, but there's not much I could think to write about it.) What I'm upset about is that my friend is always in the back of my mind, as if I'm not supposed to forget him at all, whereas I can hardly remember my grandfather's voice. I feel so guilty, as though I cared more about my friend, when I didn't. I miss them both horribly. So why do I feel bad about this?

You are beating yourself up over something you have no control over. Remember it has been less than a year since your friend died and almost 2 years since your grandfather did. Not only is your friend's death more current, but you were much younger when your grandfather passed. As you have aged you have matured and gotten wiser and the true impact of what happened is more real now. Plus the tragedy cause by an accident is sudden and always seems to have more of an impact than a gradual death thru disease.

i guess cause you love both of them the same way

lOST MY BEST FRIEND AND SOULMATE AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR 25 YRS. tHERE IS NO WAY TO REPALCE SUCH AN EMPYT VOIDED PALCE IN YOUR HART OR MIND. JUST BE LESSED TAHT YOU AHD THE LOVING TIME YOU HAD WITH EACH. SONG THEY AREA WITH YOU KNOW JSUT THING OF HOW MCUH YOU LOVED THEM. BEST OF LUCK.

Nothing

You feel bad because your mind thinks that you care more about ur friend, when you don't. So basically, you feel bad for nothing. Its your mind playing tricks on you or maybe its not. Maybe you are lying to yourself. Maybe its that you just don't want to face the truth. or maybe this is just complete bull.

i think u feel guilty bout ur grandpa is cuz he's family and u probly feel u should be closer to family than to ur friend. u got any home movies that hav ur grandpa in them where u can remember his voice?

It's just because your friend and you had more to relate to, probably had simular intrests, and maybe more recent memories together, I think it is a normal thing for that to happen! Your grandfather knows you love him, but our brains take things harder if the person we have lost was simular to us!!

you were younger when your grandfather died. besides being able to write a song doesn't measure how much you love someone. who knows maybe you loved your grandfather so much that words couldn't describe how hurt you were.

You are still in the grieving stage. Give yourself time and don't be so hard on yourself.

I agree with one of the previous posters, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't believe you should feel bad about this. You still remember your grandfather and your friend, so you should not in anyway feel guilty. I hope you feel better soon!

it might be because your grandfather was old and you knew his day was coming and your friend was so young.
i am terribly sry about those two deaths
exspecially ur friend (no offence)
because he was so young and dident really have a chance at life
:(
but i am really really sry

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